Month: December 2005

So, I was thinking what I was going to do this year for resolutions and looked back on what I wrote I would do last year. Yeah, I didn’t do any of them. Wow. I suck.

Here is my resolutions for 2005. In parenthenticals, why i failed.

“as per usual, my new year’s resolutions:

1. finish a script. (well, i didn’t start one)
2. lose 50 pounds…i will gift myself something every 5 pounds i lose. i lost 20, and i did gift myself something every 10 pounds…so that sorta counts
3. be bikini ready for vegas. yeah, didn’t happen
4. quit smoking.yeah, didn’t happen
5. go back into step aerobics…even if i have to do it at home goddamanit.well, i’m doing cardio again, so that’s something

and now five new ones:

1. learn how to say “I said there are no egos here fucko!” in three different languages. hmmmm. i still have time to do this one…
2. go to one sporting event..baseball, football, fucking hockey even.this is SO SAD. NOT ONE.
3. try to eat a salad once a week. [yuck]i ate salad once this year….
4. have one boy spend the night in my bed and sadly enough, it was just one boy. maybe i should shoot for 2 next year
5. spend a night in canada.still haven’t been to canada
6. make my social calendar as it was in california.it’s getting there….

ok. secretly i want to watch my Monk dvds tonight but the pressure to be social on new year’s eve is overwhelming. i am off to become drunk and obnoxious.

happy 2005 yo. “

well, that was last year. I will think of new ones this year. man, you’d think i would’ve done more…my next entry will be about christmas and my new year’s resolutions for 2006.

so i’m importing music into my ipod like a madman. i have a bunch of mixed cds made by exboyfriends which i haven’t heard in a long time. back in my dating days, i was a sucker [sucka] for mixed cds and luckily, i’ve dated guys who know how to concoct pretty good mixes.

i’m listening to these cds while import and several problems arise:

1. dude, i don’t know all the artists and name of songs. i’ve googled a good number of them but that’s because i know the title of the song and not the artist..or i know the artist and not the song. if i don’t know either, i’m SOL.
2. many of these songs were romantic and although most of all the romanticism is pretty much extracted from my soul, the 2% left felt a tinge of nostalgia and wondered…i wonder if they’re married now? hmmm.
3. these made me think about couplets. damn couplets.

i really don’t have anything against pairs for the exception that i lose my friends for a good year and then it’s back to good ol’ sharon when something goes awry. man, i’ll accept hanging out for an hour or two in a biweekly standpoint but i’ve just been hanging out by myself watching tv shows on dvd.

and don’t get me wrong, i like being by myself and single. getting wrapped up in another human is exhausting and overwhelming a lot of times. after breakups, i actually feel very relieved that my mind can think of something else than worrying about another human.

however

it’s tough during the holiday season. like, REAL tough. not only are everyone celebrating with loved ones, significant others and family [which is cool] but when you have none of that to go to, you get pretty sad.

i will be spending christmas and probably new year’s by myself. yeah, i might be pity-invited to a party because poor sharon, nobody is there. my sister tried to make it out for the season but alas, it’s not happening.

and the thing is, as soon as march hits, i’ll forget about all this until holiday season hits. holiday season is cruel to people who have no place to go. but, i don’t want anybody feeling sorry for me or poor sharon

because i choose this life.

i think i am a solo artist by nature.

and i have a huge commitment phobia.

i have never committed to a job for more than 2 years
i have never committed to a state for more than 3 years
i have never committed to an apartment for more than a year [i’m a subletting whore]
i have never committed to a boyfriend for more than half a year

and to tell you the truth, i’m not really looking forward to it. i get restless. i get bored. i want something more than life has to offer me. i want to see what’s out there.

this is kind of cool in your early 20s but as you get older, the pressure of family and basic societal standards gets to you once in a while. as more people commit to the aforementioned, the more you are pretty much on your own.

which beckons the question

is life about committing to something? i like the idea of stability. i hate the idea of routine.

thus far, living in MA, the most i have committed to is my car and my job. which doesn’t say much cause i’ve only had the car since 2002 and am probably going to sell it soon. i actually wanted to move to london last year but went against it because i hadn’t finished paying off my car.

i rarely do have the fantasy of having a committed husband, a house full of furniture [i move so much, that i pretty much have NO furniture. if i do buy furniture, i end up selling it. do you know i’ve bought 4 beds in the past 4 years?]

i wonder if i’m this way because i’m fated to be this way or because i really chose this life. i like the idea of commitment but i haven’t seem to have found something really worth committing to. i mean, when you go to the insane asylum, they say you are COMMITTED…seems like the equivalent to me. i wonder about fate versus choice only because, say i found an awesome guy that i want to spend the rest of my life with, would the others surely follow? would i not question my life?

wow. i had no idea that this is where this journal entry was heading.

so with that, i’m going to bed.

So i hit my 20 mark…damn! that means i have finally lost 20 pounds. I was at 18 pounds for a couple of weeks.

However, in order that I don’t get bored, I decided to actually use all these workout vhs tapes I’ve bought but never played. This particular one that I’m trying is called “the firm” and it says in 10 workouts i will see results! we’ll see about that…i’m keeping track of that crap.

anyway, so there are 3 vhs tapes…one for strength training [which i did the other night and man, it’s painful to use the bathroom because of all those goddamned squats i did] one for abs…and one for cardio. And DUDE, the tape for cardio…the woman has a RACK! i can’t stop staring at it and wonder if she had them done or if i should have my own done or what kind of bra company she uses.

and here’s the thing. i never really paid much attention to my chest cause i never had any complaints about it and then i found myself comparing myself to her. and i wonder…is this what skinny girls do? do they look at me and wonder what it’s like to have a chest…when the same time i look at them i wonder what it’s like to have abs?

seems so psych 101.

oh and my 60 gig ipod shit the bed so i, stupidly, didn’t backup my files and have to reimport all this music. damn you ipod.

oh and now they sell tv shows. this is awful for somebody like me who will probably buy any episode available. why is apple so evil and ingenious at the same time?? i’m trying to NOT watch lost season 2…i’ve missed too many episodes.

ok, i’m going to import country music now.

don’t worry it’s GOOD country [or so it says on the cd]