Month: June 2005

i was thinking about passion today.

have you ever been in a moment where you see the person you care about and you just had to have them RIGHT THEN and RIGHT THERE? Like, there was no controlling yourself and before you know it, you’re throwing yourself at your bewildered [and yet, excited, i guess] significant other.

i had two ex-boyfriends who were like that when i was younger. they just found me so sexy and i was like WOAH man!

I’m wondering if that is just something you experience when you’re young. do you just get tired of it when you’re older? do you run out of hormones? are you just more afraid? more wiser?

i think i’m getting to the point where something like that used prove to me that i was somewhat attractive but now, i don’t know. i wonder if my animal instinct is somewhat dissipating as i get older.

i also think i’m much more excited about the slower seduction. the way a significant other [in my case, a man] makes you wait. makes you anticipate. makes you think you’re not going to get any or that you’re not attractive and then BAM! you’re whereever you are, making out.

at first i was a fan of the passionate, animalistic make-out..but now i think i favor the slow and sensual makeout.

what does this mean? have i turned into an old fogie?

but of course, i am in a drought at this point, so all of this thinking doesn’t really matter at this point in time.

this drought, i don’t mind too much because i’m tired of the bullshit. i’m tired of the half-assedness of boys. i would rather a wait a long ass time for a worthy boy then get my ya-yas [ya-yas? i heard that somewhere….] with several unworthy boys.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not looking for marriage [although, it is marriage and engagement season]. but i’m looking for somebody who thinks their time invested in getting to know me is well worth it. and i’m in no rush.

i think i’m one of those girls destined for a whirlwind romance anyway.

i’m not the girl at the party you throw against the wall and start stripping [although that has happened to me in my earlier 20s] but rather the girl you laugh and chat with and then work up the guts to kiss.

and i like when i see guys working up the guts. that is much more fun.

Hello people.

So I finally broke down and went to see a doctor about my ailment. I didn’t mind it too much as I have lost a bunch of weight [yay!] and went down a size [doubly yay!] but me coughing my head off for almost two weeks and feeling like crap for nearly three wasn’t cutting it.

so i went in and apparently i have TWO things: viral bronchitis [probably due to the crazy weather changes] and some sort of allergy to the season as my nose was inflamed or something.

so accordingly, i got two drugs for each and I am feeling LOOPY. this shit is great. i love life and life loves me. GO LIFE!!!

I got a flat tire on a major freeway yesterday…that sucked. Luckily, i saw another car, 2 seconds after i had pulled over, pull over. Then I looked and I was like “oh my gosh, that’s my friend Joe…does he have a flat tire too?” I run over there and he had stopped cause he saw me pulled over! He fixed my tire for me as he was “representin’ and lookin’ out for the o.g. team malden! whut, whut.”

I’ve had a bunch of snafus happen within the past couple of weeks and I have to say, a lot of people who I didn’t know would… stepped up and was ever so helpful and kind and great and I’m getting all mushy.

It made me think that I really do have a family and true friends out here. Maybe Massachusetts isn’t so bad after all.

I mean, sure, in new york and california, people would’ve volunteered to help me out. What surprised me was SO MANY people helped me out and were more than willing to go the extra mile and there were no guilt trips, no nothing, just some good friend lovin’.

most of the lovin’ came from my old roommate Risa and my friend John. None of my shit would’ve gotten finished as fast or as efficiently if they didn’t help me out.

so here’s to bad weather, viral bronchitis, bad roads and good friends to suffer with you.

HUZZAH

i am fucking cold up in this mug.

and i lost a case a beer to my roommate as i thought michael jackson would be guilty on some of the counts.

however, on a personal sidenote, if he is about to lose the rights to the beatles catalog [as i thought it was pretty lousy to outbid mccartney on it….didn’t they sing say, say, say together? where’s the love?] this might have been worth it anyway.

just my 18 cents.

I suppose my previous entry was all happy and great and exciting…I thought I was well.

Well, i sort of fucked myself and took some caffeine pills as, I was exhausted and thought I was going out. But I did one of those things where you take off your shoes and sit on your couch [with your ceiling fan on] and it feels too good to move and let go.

that, and I was watching Mary Poppins. Man, I love that movie. way ahead of it’s time. did you know that was julie andrews first movie?? okay, i digress.

regardless, i was crazy exhausted, but the caffeine pills kicked in and i was awake and tired. that SUCKED. so I ended up watching “A Time To Kill” for a bit. Then I felt feverish and decided to take a hot steaming shower at 4am…so when I got out, the atmosphere would be cold.

And when the scalding hot water was hitting me, I doubled over and threw up in the shower.

that’s attractive.

slept in the living room, watching who knows what. Finally fell asleep around 5am, woke up at 6am…as I was FREEZING and moved into my bedroom.

Went into my bedroom and…I was FREEZING. how freezing? I had a blanket AND a comforter on top of me and i was shivering…then I woke up yet AGAIN, as I was freezing and sweating at the same time.

How is that possible? Is that possible?

So I did that half blanket thing…where half of the comforter is on my freezing, sweaty torso and my legs are sticking out.

I feel i’m going through weird temperature mania. After the freezing sweats, I wake up at 11am and find, AGAIN, i have yet another fever.

i think my california bred body cannot handle the humidity…is this normal? do people across massachusetts coming across freezing sweats and fevers in the morning? am i an anomaly?

so, regardless, i’m staying home and taking flu/fever medicine yet again and watch some football movie or something.

i wonder if i have a weird disease. oh god, do i have mono? how do you get mono? do i have some tropical fever disease? am i diseased? AHHHHHH.

ok, i’m going to make lunch now or something.

i am pretty exhausted as i have been drinking since noon.

i went to the sam adams brewery thinger and did a tasting! however, i had no time to eat, so i got pretty buzzed after the second beer given to us. oh, i should explain, a friend of mine from san diego was in town for one day only and wanted to do some ‘bostonian’ stuff. of course, a brewery tasting is an order.

well, it was mad humid and we had been walking all over the place, from newbury street, to fanueil hall, to fenway park…so around 930 or so, he decided to call it a night [old fogie!]

i came home and it’s nearly 11pm…and of COURSE, two of my friends–one from rhode island who just graduated harvard [congratulations christine!!] wanted to go to foxwoods and my other friend from lowell said he wouldn’t mind hanging out tonight as he was down about some circumstances 😦 damn. anyway, my friend in boston who was going to join us drinking has said –yeah, i’ll go with you to foxwoods.

and now, all of a sudden, at 11pm, i am EXHAUSTED. at least i don’t have the flu this time but man, i guess i’m going to have to load up on caffeine.

hmm, maybe i should change the foxwoods thing…go to lowell and drink with my boston friend and my lowell friend and see my rhode island friend next saturday.

now, THIS is the social life i’ve been hoping to have.

cross your fingers that it lasts this long. i’m tired but goddammit, i’m loving it.

so, i finally fixed my fuck-up…only took nearly a week to do, hence my “forced vacation.”

i figured, i might as finish the week with a vacation and was planning on running errands all day today. but when i woke up, i felt all light-headed and a bit woozy. I just didn’t feel…100%.

As the day went on, i felt worse and worse. i started getting back pains [me? back pains?] and essentially my whole body started hurting. Then I started getting super hot and then super cold and then super hot…but my throat wasn’t sore and i wasn’t coughing or anything–

what is wrong with me?

i went to target [still feeling majorly woozy, like i’ve just gotten off of a big dip roller coaster] and bought some flu medicine and a thermomenter and two dvds. in retrospect, i shouldn’t have bought so much, but i was woozy goddammit!

so i get home, take my temperature and oops, pow, surprise, i have a fever.

like what? who gets fevers anymore? so i took some flu medicine and am trying to get well asap as i was supposed to go to cape cod tomorrow.

gah. just when things were ABOUT to go my way, this shit happens. dude, what is UP with that? I’m going back to bed again. night.

Days like this, where you had so much potential for things to go right, they go all wrong.

The thing is, I just have to put it in perspective, it could’ve been worse.

things that could have happened that could’ve been worse than what happened to me today

1. i could have gotten arrested
2. i could be addicted to heroin
3. i could have lost a limb.
4. a loved one could have died.
5. i could be homeless
6. i could be in the hospital
7. ummm. i could have a unibrow.
8. i could be reliving the year 1998 [one of the worst years of my life]
9. i could be living with my parents
10. i could have had a heart attack.
11. i could have been eaten by a shark.
12. i could’ve been attacked by a pack of wolves and have no tree to climb to.

fortunately, none of the above has happened. in a sentence or less, my past caught up with me and i fucked up.

i fucked it up pretty badly.

and i went home, beating myself up and hating myself feeling ashamed, a failure and a fuckup.

basically, i have turned into my parents.

and it’s funny you know. i moved 3000 away from my parents strict tongue and watchful judgmental eye and they are still with me. i still beat myself up. i am still disappointed at myself.

it’s like, no matter how “good” [which is relative] i am or hard i work, it’s never good enough for me. and i wonder, is this me beating myself up or my parents? will i ever just let things be?

when i fuck up, i feel like the world is over. and the sad part about all this, is that this could have all been prevented if i just wasn’t so ashamed or embarrassed. if i didn’t keep running away from myself.

and i know better. that’s the stupidest thing about this whole ordeal. I KNOW BETTER and yet, i have this subconscious need to fuck up. a part of me, secretly likes fucking up because then it’s like my parents don’t control me anymore.. but the guilt, the guilt overwhelms me.

some people think i’m too hard on myself. but if i’m not hard on myself, how am i to better myself?

some people think my standards are unbelievably high for myself and for others…and i try to lower them…but i can’t.

my friend chris told me: “sometimes it’s nice to have someone that’s harsh because they push/make you change your life quicker for the better. and then there’s people like me who slowly push/make you change your life for the better. does that make sense?”

and it makes perfect sense. chris has always been one of my top supporters. if i fuck up, she will always say “hey, you know what? it’s okay to fuck up, i’m here for you and we’ll figure this out.” [when she told me this, of course i burst into tears] and then there’s the other friend who kicks you in the ass..because they care. i think it’s a little harsh but sometimes it has to be done.

so tomorrow chris will be coming over, to hold my hand and help me out. i fucked up, i’m going to fix it and i’m going to learn.

because how are you going to learn without fucking up?

now, if i can only learn things without wanting to hit myself in the face.

I suppose my previous entry was all happy and great and exciting…I thought I was well.

Well, i sort of fucked myself and took some caffeine pills as, I was exhausted and thought I was going out. But I did one of those things where you take off your shoes and sit on your couch [with your ceiling fan on] and it feels too good to move and let go.

that, and I was watching Mary Poppins. Man, I love that movie. way ahead of it’s time. did you know that was julie andrews first movie?? okay, i digress.

regardless, i was crazy exhausted, but the caffeine pills kicked in and i was awake and tired. that SUCKED. so I ended up watching “A Time To Kill” for a bit. Then I felt feverish and decided to take a hot steaming shower at 4am…so when I got out, the atmosphere would be cold.

And when the scalding hot water was hitting me, I doubled over and threw up in the shower.

that’s attractive.

slept in the living room, watching who knows what. Finally fell asleep around 5am, woke up at 6am…as I was FREEZING and moved into my bedroom.

Went into my bedroom and…I was FREEZING. how freezing? I had a blanket AND a comforter on top of me and i was shivering…then I woke up yet AGAIN, as I was freezing and sweating at the same time.

How is that possible? Is that possible?

So I did that half blanket thing…where half of the comforter is on my freezing, sweaty torso and my legs are sticking out.

I feel i’m going through weird temperature mania. After the freezing sweats, I wake up at 11am and find, AGAIN, i have yet another fever.

i think my california bred body cannot handle the humidity…is this normal? do people across massachusetts coming across freezing sweats and fevers in the morning? am i an anomaly?

so, regardless, i’m staying home and taking flu/fever medicine yet again and watch some football movie or something.

i wonder if i have a weird disease. oh god, do i have mono? how do you get mono? do i have some tropical fever disease? am i diseased? AHHHHHH.

ok, i’m going to make lunch now or something.