Month: February 2005

Ten things I’ve done that at least almost all of you haven’t:

1. Driven on in the freeway in California where the clouds were black and ashes were falling from the sky.
2. Edited a biography about Tony Danza , got britney’s spears contact information and talked to a known mafia dude and was asked to do a short piece on Victoria Gotti from a literary agent I worked for in New York City.
3. Ask M. Night Shymalan the meaning of the color “red” in his movie “The Sixth Sense.”
4. Woke up, looked outside my window to see one WTC tower down and the other one still standing…then see a plane crash right into it.
5. Driven across country three times [been to every state except for 10]
6. Fallen asleep on a subway train until 4am and ended up in an island [i know, what?]
7. Bumped into Bjork at Virgin Megastore. [and then served her family coffee and one caramel.]
8. Dropped 3 years of pre-med to go to film school.
9. Was driven to the emergency room to drink coal water and was subsequently committed for two weeks for being a “danger to myself”…and had to have “mandatory fun” every monday.
10. Hmmm. Didn’t have my first kiss until I was 22. Didn’t hold hands with a guy until i was 21 [i’m a late bloomer]

Huh. Didn’t realize my life was interesting until this exercise. Not too shabby.

I used to think that my expectations were too high for the kind of guy that i want and got used to the fact that i would probably a successful woman, just alone.

I used to think, if i had a job that i’d love, my life would be worth it and complete.

now i think, why the fuck can’t i have both?

i don’t know where this comes from, but there’s an impression that society gives…i guess through media and whatnot, that, in order to be a successful career woman, you have to give up domesticity. it’s either, you’re a mom or a lawyer/doctor…you can’t be both.

i don’t even know where i’m going with this entry. i suppose i was thinking of great boyfriend material. i’ve met tons of guys who make great boyfriend material…those who will cook you dinner, let them meet your friends and parents, and those who will spoon with you all night at his apartment.

then there’s the other one. the guy who makes you feel alive and great and you laugh. but he’s an awful boyfriend. he wouldn’t do any of the above. i dated this guy in new york city and we would laugh and laugh and laugh…but..i hated everything else about him. and i thought…’i will never find a guy with the same sense of humor as i, or who will make me laugh as hard as he does’ and we had a strained one month relationship before we called it quits.

humor could not save us.

why can’t you have passion for the funny great boyfriend material together? why is it one or the other? should you just settle for one?

meh.

i need a new hobby…like knitting.

I was thinking about something today.

I was thinking about how in order to know yourself, you have to get away from the self that everyone knew you by and see what’s left.

so…what’s left?

there’s a part of me that’s thinking i’ve made a big mistake about my life. i’ve made a big mistake about this.

i feel so lost sometimes.

i don’t know what i want anymore.

talked to boy last night, had a good long talk and so on and so forth. i guess we’ll be okay. the whole “we’ll see what happens” type of deal.

in other news, i’m like one of those Sex in the City girls…averaging one boy a month. i was driving on 93 today and i burst out laughing like a madman because of the absurdity of it all. meh. what happens happens and at this point, it seems that a relationship is way overrated. might as well mess around for a bit until i figure out what i want.

found this in another journal that i was passing through on today.

1. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?

wow. i’ve never been anything long enough for it to be romantic. i’ve never had anyone do anything grand, but that really doesn’t matter since it’s the tiny shit that fucking KILLS me. i suppose i can think of the top three almost romantic bits: 1. boy A calls me up and wants to do something…but we have no money. so he said, “let’s take a walk into the city.” and we walked all night through the city and took me to this place, at 3am, where you could see the world trade center, the empire state building, the chrysler building and some crazy triangle building. i remember the spot being right next to a big lion in front of the new york library [you can see said lion in ghostbusters]. he wanted to kiss me but i was too nervous, so he just held me in his arms. 2. i called up boy B wanting to smoke. thought was going to go to his place and do such activities. instead, he took me on top of this mountain thing around 10pm to overlook the city. he also did not kiss me because he did not know how i felt, but it was pretty romantic and we talked about my life in massachusetts thus far. 3. boy C…he once asked me what my “happy food” is and i said that he could never find it because there is no filipino restaurant facility in massachusetts. well, two days later, my friend samantha calls me up and says “hey, do you know a chicken and rice porridge recipe or something? I’m trying to find it” and I say “Wha…? Why?” and she said “Oh, boy C called me thi afternoon looking for the recipe.” That KILLED me. Alas, we broke up 2 days later due to unforeseeable circumstances. Wow, this made me sad. i have no romance.

2. Who was your first love?
   Nobody. Haven’t fallen in love yet. Does that make me a sad sad woman?
3. Chocolates, flowers, or something else?

I’m not a big fan of chocolate. I always dreamed of getting flowers at work so the woman across from me would be furious at such a gesture [heh]. However, what would kill me would be…hmmm…i don’t know. i guess it’s flowers, i can’t think of anything actually. i’m that boring.

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no way. i have never been attracted to uber good looking guys or whatnot. however, really funny sarcastic gys kill me but that’s not love, it’s adoration and being smitten.

5. What do you have planned for this Valentine’s Day?
   i plead the fifth. actually, I have nothing planned but maybe the new boy will take care of that. otherwise, i’m watching sex in the city.

wow, this survey just showed how short-lived all my “relationships” have been. granted, i really haven’t had one but that is just my luck rather than me not being awesome.