Month: May 2004

You know, I was just being facetious in my last entry. I’ve touched a lot more than that my friends.

I am at work and I am bored. I read a bunch of “Read Me” documents and trying to find out what the hell “Open GL” means. Hmmm.

One of the cute boys at work is not here today, so I did not get to harrass him. Alas.

Okay, I’ve run out of things to say. I think I’m going to watch SuperTroopers over the weekend. It was highly recommended by the guy who brought me Family Guy, Evil Dead 2 and what was the other one? Oh, the Specials.

i think i’ll get drunk off of wine tonight. I have no friends.

1.) Go into your diary’s archives.

2.) Find your 23rd entry.

3.) Find the fifth sentence (or closest to it).

4.) Post the sentence in your diary along with these instructions.

“Anyway, to cut to the chase…it’s pretty obvious that we like each other.”

Oh shit. This entry was about computer guy. I wonder what ever happened to him?

What an asshole.

I am pissed. At you, at the world. In the words of Tupac, “Me against the world”…i think he misspelled it somehow but I can’t remember how. My misspellings are atrocious. Actually, I lie. I’m not pissed. I just wanted to write that.

Actually, I feel fine. And I feel good. I feel like I never should. And whenever I get this way, I don’t know what to say. Why can’t we be ourselves like we were yesterday? heh heh heh. [If you understood that, leave me a note and tell me what I am referring to]

Our leader is out sick today. Mr. Jeffy McJeffster.

I am sore from jiu jitsu. I’m really starting to like this class. We were doing ground fighting techniques and I swept him and was on top of him. And I looked incredulous and said “Shit! I can’t believe I did that” and the black belt, Steve, said “You’re going to be saying that a lot” Sensei Steve is cute. Too bad he’s not very tall.

There’s this guy, Nick [not our instructor] who was teaching me belt techniques and I swear to god, he is like this guy I used to date, Chad. He is bizarro Chad. He had the same face, the same hair, the same facial expressions, they talk the same, they walk the same…except Nick has a black belt and Chad doesn’t. It was so WEIRD. And if he was flirting with me [uh-oh], he flirts like Chad as well. Bizarro twins are a weird phenomenon.

I have stomach pains. I tried my own strategy at work and but instead I crapped my pants. I haven’t crapped my pants since last week. I thought I had that shit under control.

I miss smoking. One of my roommates smokes and I went outside to get something in my car and he was smoking and I said “You smoke?” He said “Yeah, like one before every night.” and before I knew it, I was smoking with him [i bummed a cigaretted off of him] and i felt guilty.

I have this thing, every now and then, where I’m driving down the same freeway [oh, excuse me, highway] every morning to the same job and I think “Is this what I’m going to be doing the next year? the next 5 years? the next 10 years?” and I freak out. I did it in New York, I did it in California and now I’m doing it in Massachusetts. Usually, when I do that, though, it’s because I freak out of having no more options in my life and i have to move on.

But when I did that, I thought, “Man, I just got my car registration and my insurance.” goddamn cars. Now, that’s commitment. I think it’s only thing I can commit to and I’m still terrible with that. I’m thinking of selling my car and moving to London.

*

I had an odd dream.

I dreamt that I was at a house and my sister and my father were there. I was looking at the swimming pool in the backyard and I decided to go swimming.

And so I took my clothes off and hot damn! I had a hot body [now THIS is a dream] and I was swimming and swimming and I remember looking at the fences. The fences were rusted and falling apart. And I thought “what are the point of those fences? Anybody can come through”

I got out of the pool and I couldn’t find my glasses. I went into the shower and my sister ran out and said “There are tarantulas in there!” I went in there and I said “I can’t see anything” and I saw a tiny spider and I said “that’s not a tarantula…” and my sister’s blurry hand pointed to the floor and there were 2 tarantulas and they wanted to bite me.

So I started to walk away, but the floor was slippery and I fell on my ass and i felt the tarantula bite my wrist and i felt venom shoot up my arm. Then my dad and my sister started to cry and called an ambulance..and I said “no, there’s no need to..I’m fine..” and I blacked out. I woke up and saw in the mirror that my face was melting and it was freaking out my sister and my dad. The ambulance came and lifted me up and sewed up the gash that had openedon my butt because i fell so hard..and then they said “we have to stop the poison NOW, she’s going to die”

and then I died/woke up.

Sometimes you have to take a crap. Ideally, you would like to take a crap everyday because it’s good to cleanse your system of…crap.

However, people have different smelling crap and are paranoid about it. They should be, crap is not a pleasing-smelling thing. Usually the place of crap consumption and crap release is in your own home. It is safe and secure and who cares how it smells? You have your crap spray that you use to not necessarily get RID of the smell but mask the smell.

But what if you are not in your home? What if you are….gasp…outside of your home and going home is not an option?

Let me share my secrets with you, so you can crap and still have self esteem:

IN ANOTHER PERSON’S HOUSE:

run the water when you take a crap so people think you really like to wash your hands.

if there is no spray available, I personally carry some lotion or something sweet smelling and i put it on my arms, my hands and in the toilet bowl to somehow magically permeate the room.

If you don’t have that, put some soap or shampoo in the toilet bowl. That works for me.

Flush twice, you never know.

Crap as fast as you can so people think you are actually peeing.

close the lid when you’re done.

If people say you are taking too long, say you are on your period and you had to change [if you’re a guy, just say you had to take some medication]

IN A PUBLIC PLACE

This is a tricky one. You have to assert the situation to figure out what to do

If there are NO PEOPLE in the stalls, go to the last stall so the smell will not be able to hit the next person who comes in. This is to stall for time

If there are people in the stall, like a lot, go in the middle somewhere, preferably between two people. This way, when you smell, people can’t be exactly sure where the smell is coming from. Make a lot of noise with the toilet seat cover so they think you are putting in a tampon hence, it couldn’t POSSIBLY be you.

If there is only one or two people, wait until they leave until you crap OR wait until someone flushes or runs water until you crap. It might save a little embarrassment.

*If you have that lotion in your bag….

That is all the wisdom I can leave with you today. If you have to go, you have to go.

I am full of crap. Bullshit.

I am an idiot.

This entry goes out to Jeffrey R. I mean [JRR].

This job, that I have, is the hardest job I have ever had. It gives me headaches and really tries my patience. Sometimes, I wonder, am I at the right job? What the hell am I doing?

I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong.

Anyway, my coworkers make fun of me for having a “diary”. However, they also swear incessantly and I don’t. I sort of just take everything in and I don’t regurgitate and I’m thinking it’s taking a toll on me and how I perceive things and people.

They will make fun of me from writing this entry but I don’t care. It’s my fault for ever even mentioning I had such a thing and for being such a “girl”.

Don’t get me wrong, good natured ribbing is fine but the only thing I have is writing sometimes and they made fun of that as well. And they do this high pitched voice. And they hate me. And I hate them. heh heh heh.

I was in the company bathroom and there was this girl in a stall who was absolutely quiet. Not a sound. And I’m thinking “She wants to take a crap but she’s waiting till I leave.” I was feeling mean, so I lingered a bit.

And then she cut the cheese.

And then I left.

And I’m wondering why I work for a living and if I should’ve just kept an easy job.

I’m never satisfied.

I’m going through some sort of weird phase I think.

In the past two weeks, I have:

cut my hair
dyed my hair black
gotten contacts
painted my room
gone to the beach twice [to drive by myself]
refused to take off an arm band that I got from Good Times
bought new accessories
bought new sunglasses

I go through this every now and then when I’m bored with my life. Why should I be bored?

A lot of it, is because I feel, I don’t know what I really want. The problem is not getting what I want but actually knowing what I want.

Par example: [this is hypothetical]. Say I like this one guy. I will try to get his attention and possibly get him on a date with me. After that, then what? I have his attention, I got him on a date…maybe a kiss…and then…what? Boyfriend central? I don’t really want that right now.

Or do I?

The problem with boyfriends, as I perceive it, is the end of my freedom as I know it. I can’t go out on a moment’s whim. I have to answer to someone.

That scares the bejesus out of me.

A lot of people who are in relationships LIKE having to answer to somebody, like having the stability of having someone there for them all the time. They need that stability and that security to function.

I am stable and secure with myself. If you threw me in a situation where I was by myself and nobody else around, I would be fine. I wouldn’t be completely happy, but I would be fine.

Issues with commitment? Maybe. Commitment is such a big word and has so much magnitude. What about us free spirits? Is there a possible way to be free and still be in a relationship?

Some people find it weird that I like to go on long drives by myself or hang out by the beach by myself or watch a movie in a movie theater by myself.

I like it. It gives me a sense of myself and a sense of privacy and that I don’t have to nice or social or answer to any expectations.

I get so bored with my life sometimes…does that make me a boring person? To constantly want to change? Don’t get me wrong, I love stability and knowing I have friends I can depend on and so on and so forth.

But I HATE routine. Stability and routine…does that go hand in hand?

I’m going to go backpacking in Europe and think about what I want in life.

I’m not sure if I want to be happy because I don’t want to be complacent with what I have. I always want more.

Is wanting more “bad”?

Is not knowing what I want “bad”?

Is Will Smith’s “Getting Jiggy With it” bad?

Is wanting to date a guy but not being committed to him bad?

Is bad even bad?

My pants are too tight.

I have these pants that used to be my dad’s pants in the military. On me, it just looks trendy. It’s really tight around the abdomen and around my thighs and then it flares out from the knees to my ankles. Needless to say, it looks kind of cool.

But now they are too tight and I’m starting to see sparks of light and I’m feeling a bit woozy. Also, all of my abdomen fat is collecting another layer of fat that I didn’t know existed.

Wow, I suck.

I want to go home and change pants but I am also low on gas and get paid tomorrow. I also left my chicken at home and now I have to eat popcorn.

What the hell is going on with the atmosphere today? Maybe too much ozone or something.

I am also metamorphosing into a genuine MA-ian. I just opened a bank account in a town called “Littleton” which quite quaint and cute and their bank ROCKS!!

I can’t find my tweezers. My eyebrows are growing out of control. Can we say unibrow central? I think the Klingons might be looking for their long lost sister.

My name is Sharon and I approve of this message.

I am going out of control.

My pants are too tight and I was unfortunate enough to have not a lot of gas to drive home and pick up my chicken. So I have to deal with the snacks here.

I can’t find my tweezers so now I’m growing a unibrow that would put Jason Schwartzmann [read, the Rushmore guy] to shame.

My hair is dead. I need a haircut.

My finances are out of control. I keep buying stuff of Amazon in hopes that a boy will like me.

I ran over a chipmunk. I have never seen a chipmunk in my life and so I thought I really ran over a squirrel. The only chipmunk material i have ever seen is Alvin and the Chipmunks [i love them. my favorite is Simon of course—he has the glasses].

Remember that movie where Alvin and the Chipmunk and Britney and the Chippettes had a race to fly across the world? I miss that. That was one of my favorite movies.

What am I talking about, it still is one of my favorite movies.

I need to change my frienster account and make sure I add that.

I bought a rap…or is it hip hop? cd last night at Target. And a cover for the toilet lid THAT DOESN’T FIT!

The planets must be aligned and conspiring against me. I must be destroyed.

In the words of Lisa, Fucking FIN.

[I’m craving seafood from Kelly’s now. THANKS LISA]