One of Sandy’s friends hates me. She really hates me.
I woke up early today because I have an interview for an editing console place and I was nervous about getting lost. So, I just had to look up a map. After looking up the website, I decided to take a peek at diaryland.
One person updated: Lobsterchick (aka Sandy). It was an entry for Bowling for Columbine and how it was an awesome movie (it really is, you guys should check it out.)
I went to leave a comment for Sandy [I was going to say “check out the commentary, Michael Moore has his secretaries and production assistants (the lowest position on the food chain of film) do the commentary!”] I was even going to add a superfluous exclamation mark for emphasis.
Of COURSE, you’re going to read the comments people had left before you add your own. In doing so, I found a comment addressed to me:
BT – 2004-01-09 04:18:53
Sharon, you are a bitch, who sucks bumpy lardy ass. I hope that you find a nice, cushy job in Boston where you can be the judgemental bitch that you are…Everyday I will remind you that you are just horrible. Oh, just reread what you wrote and figure it out for yourself! Lazy selfish bitch. How Sandy is friends with you is a question for the gods…BT
So, first of all, I was taken aback. I mean, that was a really hostile comment to me, for me and about me…on another person’s diary? At first, I didn’t know what I did (I mean, was Kerbang really THAT mad at me for taking those drunk pictures?)
Then, I remembered, Sandy had told me [a long time ago] that BT was a friend of hers. I also remember seeing her picture when Sandy and DS (Deadsoon) went out for a birthday (I believe it was Sandy’s). So it’s a friend of Sandy who hates me.
Sandy’s friend(s) already hate me for the Citizen Kane comment (You’re going to have to look for it on Sandy’s diary, if you really want to know) because I said that Citizen Kane was pretentious.
The problem with leaving notes in diaries is that you really can’t elaborate why you left said comment. Usually comments are kind of goofy or off the wall (read Gumphood). However, if there is an entry that strikes a nerve you can either : a) write an elaborate comment (read: an essay) or b) write a comment that sort of scrapes the surface.
I really don’t like leaving long comments, so I gave the gist on Sandy’s diary and people got PISSED!
People, you’re channeling too much energy in being pissed at the wrong people for the wrong reasons. But for my sake, I’m very opinionated and am not afraid to say things that I have a very high opinion about. Conversely, if you are very opinionated about something (i.e. let’s say you hate a movie..let’s say Fight Club, because I love that movie..or even Sneakers (because many people disagree that is a good movie)) and say “God, fucking Sneakers sucks ass.” I’m not going to get angry. I’m just not that type of person. First, I figure out why you think Sneakers is a badly done movie. Second, I will try to talk to you why you feel that way so hostilely. Usually, though, I don’t get upset.
However, I usually don’t hang out with people so…hostile but, really people laid-back, so the aforementioned situation would never happen.
This is not to say leaving a hostile comment is a bad thing. That only shows how passionate you are about said entry or said comment or whatever has upset you. On the flip side, not being very hostile or having much passion (which is my case) makes you a person who doesn’t really get very excited.
Well, BT didn’t leave just one comment, she left three. On Sandy’s previous entry, she wrote:
BT – 2004-01-09 04:10:28
Sharon, you suck hairy ass. I’ll say it every day.
Well, yeah, I do. I usually tell the guy to shave. I’m not ashamed!
And here’s the culprit, why BT started this rampage against me:
Sharon – 2004-01-08 14:06:14
I read this and I get pissed off too–why don’t people you love know how much you care about them? What do you have to do make him see that he needs to take care of himself? I’m sorry, I don’t know DS but I mean, I’m frustrated. It’s great that he has a awesome friend such as yourself who cares so much. It’s sucks that he is too selfish to notice what his lack of motivation to get his ass in the hospital is doing to those who love him. I hope it all works out. You have a sounding board in my if you need one. (long note action)
BT – 2004-01-09 04:07:49
Sharon, You’re a dumbass. That’s all I have. BT.
So, this is what started the anger streak. I suppose putting some energy in telling me that I am hated and I suck is to be commended because, I could never do it.
I certainly struck a nerve.
But here is what I have to say, and pay attention because this is an explanation, not an excuse:
1. I left that comment after have chatted with Sandy online and knowing that she was upset about the situation she wrote about. I was upset because she was upset (because I consider her a friend, and I don’t like seeing my friends upset) and I wanted her to know that I knew how she felt and that if she needed a sounding board, I would be there for her.
2. I left that comment knowing the converse side. You see, when I was 16, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I didn’t try to commit suicide once, but twice. I don’t talk about it too much because I think a lot of people in high school think life sucks and think suicide is an alternative etcetera etcetera, so I figure it’s usually a phase.
When I was in college, I tried to do it AGAIN. I refused to get help for said affliction in high school and I refused help in college.
And that pissed my best friends OFF.
I was lectured, yelled at, screamed at and was written a letter at how stupid and selfish I am and am being…and since I refused to get help, my best friends couldn’t be my friends anymore because I was being so selfish.
And I was.
Ultimately, I was forcibly put in the hospital and had to stay there for nearly 2 weeks and had to see a psychotherapist for a couple of months. My last day in the hospital, I was stoked. I called one of my best friends “A.J.” and told him that we could hang out again and I was super happy that I was leaving.
However, when I was talking to him, he began to cry.
Why are you crying?
He said he couldn’t hang out with me anymore. He said that I hurt him too much and that I was too selfish and he could never forget that. Not right now anyway.
Then I said “Selfish? How so?”
And (through his tears) he said “If you don’t know how much I love and care about you that you tried to take your life away, you are selfish. Did you even THINK how this would affect me or others? Did you even THINK what you were doing to the people you love? Of course not, you’re DEPRESSED. But, I can’t be friends who can make me love them and care for them and then try to leave in the worst way possible. It makes me angry every time I look at you.”
I began to cry because I knew A.J. was serious and I knew my best friend was leaving me.
And he did.
And I had to pick up my life and start over because, you have to keep moving.
And although that event wanted me to take my life AGAIN (because, that means, officially (sort of) nobody really cared).
But then, I had to do it.
I had to face my shit.
Anyway, with this as my backstory, I knew what Sandy was going through because I was on the other end..and I wanted to express my concern for her and know that I was there for her because she has been my sounding board of frustration countless times.
3. After said entry, I spoke to DS online (to elaborate on my Citizen Kane comment) and, I think, we got along fine. I told him I was going to be his comedy whore (because he does sketch comedy which…gaaah, is crazy sexy). Now, he might hate me too because I left that comment, but again, I didn’t do it to make him angry (well, maybe a tiny bit, to make him think what he was doing to people who loved and cared about him), I did it to console Sandy.
4. That being said, I’m not angry. Truthfully, I’m a little hurt. I guess hurt that I was told that I was being judgmental (even though I had my well thought-out reasons) and I was a lazy bitch and all that.
Well, maybe judgmental…but aren’t you judging me when you declare that I am judgmental?
Furthermore, I am a lazy selfish bitch..but usually you have to hang out with me for about a day or two to figure that out.
So, I’m hurt that you hit me dead on without hanging out with me.