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The Roomate Series: Gumphood

Before I start this entry, I need to give a big thanks to John for sacrificing his template for my own. As you can see, he added all that crap at the bottom of this diary. John, you are a deity. Thank you.

Okay, that’s enough niceness from me. I will return to my adversarial state tomorrow and will do my usual task of mocking John. So, John, wherever you are (Florida), this bud’s for you for today.

Now for the real entry:

This entry marks the introduction to the roommate series. I will do it in order of the first person I saw to the last person I saw.

Up to bat: Gumphood:


I met Gumphood about two years ago. I was on a road trip with one of my best friends, Kay. I called Kerbang (he will be third in this series) and, I suppose, out of fear of not being an appropriate tour guide, he called his reinforcement: Gumphood.
I remember two things about Gumphood: 1. He used big words (in comparison with my friends back in San Diego) and 2. He sure knew a lot about The Big Dig.

The second time I met Gumphood, was at a Brewery. Kerbang and I were going to a wedding together, but the night before, we met up with his friends (Gumphood included). The above picture is a consequence of the Brewery’s ales.

Day Thursday:


I am in Rhode Island. Gumphood and I are communicating via diaryland notes. He is nervous I will not like the place. I am nervous that Gumphood will not like me.

After taking multiple roommate competency tests, questionnaires and urine samples, will Gumphood like me as a future roommate?

I forgot what Gumphood looked like per se and had to look at a picture to remember (yeah, I’m lame). So when he entered the christened “hungy, hungry hippo” room, it felt like I was looking at a picture of Gumphood, rather, than a person. He took me on a very informational tour of the suburb. Subsequently, we went to a house where we picked up beer paraphenelia from a sweaty Irish guy. The Irish guy didn’t have any change for a $40.00. So Gumphood gave him $37.00. I had $0.75. I offered to the Irish guy (thinking, would he REALLY take the $0.75 cents? Yup, he took it).

We then went to a restaurant where a guy opined that he wanted to marry me because I looked so warm. I was scared. I went to the bathroom.

Afterwards, we get back to the apartment. Kerbang calls inviting us to go out drinking with him and his co-workers. Gumphood, at first, agrees to go. He backs out because of an argument with his girlfriend. I feel bad for Gumphood, but we chat about it and the conversation turns to why I cannot to commit to a guy. (I know, what?). However, I think Gumphood and I get along fairly well.

Miscellaneous: At the Irish guy’s house:

Me: “Are we doing a drug deal?”

Him: “Yeah…something like that”.

In the apartment:

Me: shivering

Gumphood: (in a short sleeve shirt): Are you cold?

Me: (putting on a jacket) yes. It’s freezing in here

Gumphood: It is unusually warm today. I almost didn’t wear a jacket. (WHAT?!)

Day Friday:

Commentary: I didn’t really see Gumphood all this much on this day. All I know is that he has made plans for him, his woman and a whole bunch of other people to meet at some beer place in Boston. He is at work most of the day. However, in the afternoon, Risanator lets me use her computer.

Gumphood has written an entry about me.

I first read it wrong. I thought it said that I didn’t make a very good reimpression. Oh my god. I reread and read “oh, HE thinks he didn’t make a very good reimpression”. He comments that it is blatant I am from California.


I make Risa read it. I am worried, that because of this entry, Gumphood does not like me. Risa comforts me and says that it seems more like he was worried about me not having a good time rather than him not liking me.

I talk about my concerns with Kerbang when we are going to meet Gumphood, his woman and UnclePumpkin at some beer place. I think it’s called Boston Beerworks? (My memory is terrible). Gumphood seems to be in good spirits and I am a little nervous about how much Californianess is emanating from my aura. I chat with Unclepumpkin about this and he says, thus far, “I think Gumphood likes you.” I hope so. I offer to buy him a beer. He accepts my bribe. Hopefully, one day, when overutilizing the word “dude”, I can say “wait a minute buddy, remember that one time bought you beer?”

Oh, wait, he totally bought me beer on Thursday. Never mind.

Gumphood takes Kerbang and I to the apartment. I think we are annoying Gumphood and his woman as I mock Kerbang leaving the LONGEST message in the world to Lisanator and his new rug (more on that later). I note that Gumphood and his woman are quiet. Uh-oh.


Unclepumpkin: “Did you just say wicked?”

Me: “No!”

Unclepumpkin: “I think I heard you say wicked”

Gumphood’s girlfriend: “No, I said it”


Day Saturday:

I wake up. The three others wake up. They all make their way to my temporary sleeping area, the common room.

Gumphood has the BEST morning hair.

I didn’t see much of Gumphood on this day. He was mostly out with his girlfriend. I stayed at the apartment and pretty much played Free Cell on my laptop. I grow bored. I call Kerbang to ask him where the movie theater is so I can watch a movie. He asks me to wait. As I am chatting with him, I hear the door knock.

I think the apartment is haunted. I hear knocks and doorbells and everytime I check to see if someone is there, nobody is there. So I hear a knock. I open the door expecting not to see anyone.

It is Gumphood. He is pale. I scream. I fall on my ass.

I don’t know how I finished the phone call but somehow, it is decided we will all watch the movie in Kerbang’s and Gumphood’s hometown (sidenote: I wish I can use their real names, but alas, I am advised against that.) We go see ELF (which, is fucking hilarious by the way). I chat with Gumphood’s girlfriend while Gumphood goes to wait for Kerbang and Datchery. I ask her how they met and how long they have gone out. She tells me a cute story.

We go our separate ways. Gumphood decides to stay in Chelmsford. I ride with Kerbang to the apartment.



Gumphood: (shocked) What? I knocked?

Me: (to Kerbang) I totally fell on my ass. Gumphood scared me.

Gumphood: But I knocked

Me: Yeah, but you were just standing there. And you’re pale. (with respect to California guys, so I’m still getting used to it)

Day Sunday:

In the afternoon, Gumphood says that he will take me to his friend’s/old roommate’s place to watch the New England Patriots v. Dallas Cowboys game. I am stoked.

We chat in the car and I ask HIM how he met his girlfriend. A slightly different version. [Sidenote: always ask couples how they met when you are one-on-one. It’s interesting what details they remember] We get to this old, super rad, super fucking COLD house.

In order to keep my California tendencies latent, I sit on the couch, FREEZING. I try to sit on my hands, hoping nobody will notice. By the fourth quarter, I have pillow over me, but I am dreaming about my jacket hanging on the staircase. Everyone else seems okay.

His friends know EVERYTHING about the Patriots as they shoot facts, figures, and jokes about the game. It was HILARIOUS. I swear, they should have their commentary aired during football games.

Miscellaneous: As were driving to the house, Gumphood points out a pretty cool sign. If I vaguely remember it saying “Beat the Curse” or something like that. It was a road sign that said something like “Sharp Curve” or something, and the S had changed to a V.

Day Monday:

This was the worst day EVER. I was in the apartment FOREVER. I played Free Cell on the computer, listened to cds, watched the Matrix Reloaded on my computer and went for a walk but it began to rain.

Gumphood finally got home and I begged him to take me to KFC. He obliged.

After eating my chicken, I am walking up and down the house, anxious and restless. I cannot stand being in a house for a long period of time. I leave.

When I come back, Gumphood opens the door. He is playing Super Mario Smash Brothers on his Gamecube. Afterwards, I use his computer and he is in bed. We talk about our differences and how he likes to wear a unicorn shirt and tell people he cannot look out of one eye. This information alone, makes me respect him more. I tell him that I went crazy today because I had a) no internet b) no books c) no caar d) no friends and e) no food. Gumphood, I guess feeling bad, says he will leave his room door open so I can use his computer and watch his television.

This, alone, makes me think that even though I am Californian, we will still get along.

Well, that, and I gave him 200 bucks as a bribe.

10 Things I learned:

10. Gumphood cares a lot about the apartment.

9. He is really good at Soulcaliber II.

8. He really cares about his girlfriend

7. He really cares that the other parties (other than him) are having a good time

6. He can be vague when pressed for answers.

5. He thought I was a chicken eating maniac. (I’m not)

4. When he makes plans, he usually keeps to them

3. He’s a good person to talk to in the wee hours.

2. He has the movie “Elizabeth” which impressed me.

1. He can drive stick shift.

Up on deck: “Ready”


Legitimate movie reviews, Illegitimate blog from a legitimate American. 2 Legit 2 Quit. Hey Hey.

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