Posted in Road Trippin', Storytime


  • Dear Reader,

I apologize on behalf of the lazy ass who is supposedly supposed to keep this updated. As aforementioned, I am a lazy ass and will tend to do that. Probably if I had a cool ass computer at home, I would be on it all the time talking to other lame asses online and updating this thing constantly (and probably starting a website devoted to “Guys who need to be my Boyfriend” i.e. David Duchovny, Vince Vaughn, Matthew Perry…et al. (You know what? I have no idea what i.e. and et al stand for….but I utilize those phrase all the time) Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled program….*

So we are in Washington, after the long ass hours of traffic in whacked out Virginia. We pass the Pentagon and Kay gets all excited and says “YO! Let’s go there!” (I think I added in the yo…I don’t think she actually said that). Anyway, we drive up there with my bladder calling my name and saying the Diet Coke is ready to disburse its new likeness into the world. So, we’re driving up and I say “Let’s go in a couple of minutes and head over to a McDonald’s. My bladder is a-calling” and she was like “No, just pee in the parking lot” and I was like “Yeah, right. I will hold it.” Nevertheless, we go in there and she hands me toilet paper.

I squat down as I have mental images of a camera taking a picture of my ass hanging out the passenger side of the car and them sending them out via internet. Here’s the thing I learned as well, you never know how much you REALLY pee until you pee on solid ground because in the water you just hear trickling for a given amount of time. Anyway, I finish (with toilet paper in tow) and we go into the Pentagon steps and such. We start taking pictures (even when the sign says NO PICTURES! Sheesh. we’re going to jail) and then we leave.

We go to the Washington Monument, which btw, was closed when I went last Thanksgiving with my east coast bf, Angela Ortiz, (hi ange), but now was open for display. We walk around it and see the White House, the Capital Building, and the Lincoln statue thingy all in a 1 mile radius within the Washington Monument. Then we get like, lonely, and want to call people up and share this wondrous moment. Alas, my cell phone is out of service and Kay’s cell phone has no battery. Then we get desperate…

Posted in Road Trippin', Storytime


We wake up in San Antonio around 5am in the morning. Of course it’s actually 6am Texas time but I refuse to change my car clock to adjust to the time difference. We wake up because it’s hella hot (Our windows are open only an inch for fear of rapists/crazy people hands try to grab us) and the sun is up.

So we get out of Texas around 2pm and end up in Louisiana..which we BOTH ABSOLUTELY LOVE but the weather is mad crazy. There’s a hard storm but it’s sunny. And it’s crazy bayou country. A FREEWAY is on top of an ocean it feels like. I do a lookout for crocodiles.

My car turns to 10,000 miles and the MAINTENANCE REQUIRED light comes on. We go to a gas station to do the usual checks. It’s all okay. I look at my fuse box and decide not to play with it for fear of breaking my precious car. Tyler calls us while we are doing an oil check which…oops, I get a spot on Chad’s shorts somehow. Geesh, he’s going to kill me since he’s pretty anal retentive. Oh well. The maintenance require light bothers me so I put an apple sticker on top of it to ignore it (FUCK THE DEALERS) I’m afraid they’re going to give me a maintenance charge anyway, and there’s no way I can afford it (I have a feeling they would give the bill AFTER the maintenance check…whatever, I always feel salespeople try to take advantage over two beautiful road tripping girls anyway). We take a smoke break. There is a resonant BAYOU (?) sound. It’s sounds like a forever low humming of bugs or something. It’s really weird. I wonder if the locals hear it or they are immune to it now. It’s humid as hell.

We go to New Orleans to check out where they hold Mardi Gras (the cross street is canal…which is prounounced “Cay-nail” there) but somehow we end up on a boat! The boat makes a sound that we are about to dock off (I”m picturing us in the middle of the bayou on a car boat screaming and looking at Kay that she is crazy..but this is all in my mind) I’m trying to stay calm because I am talking to my roommate Adrian…trying to laugh that we are on a car-boat-dock. Kay makes a mad 3 pooint-turn (we can’t go around the boat because parked cars are blocking it) and we literally haul ass while the boat is still bubbling. Blacklicious’s alphabet song is playing in the background. Kay talks to Cyndy about Vegas and Tyler’s birthday plans (hmmm….) and I call Chad to see what is up and he is at a wedding with his friend Raquel (checking out the hot bridesmaids no less…;) ) We decide that we have had enough of Britney’s homeland and head off to Mississippi.

We are in Mississippi in about an hour. Wow. It was pretty quick.

We end up in Alabama around 6 or 7pm (We decide to switch in Mobile, Alabama. Our goal is to sleep in a parking lot in Atlanta Georgia) Alabama is pretty much trees and a two lane road. We need gas so we exit.

The exit is pretty long and we end up driving way into Alabama (or it feels like…we are afraid to be raped by hicks…which is a terrible stereotype to have but we have it nonetheless (I’m not going to bullshit our political incorrectness). We BOTH decide to pay for gas (to protect the other) and gas is only 1.33 a gallon. Cheapest gas yet. We go into the gas station and the first thing I notice is a man is smoking inside…just chilling. I am strangely and avidly aware of MY accent and how I look. Shorts, tanks top, hair in a ponytail and flip flops. We get some gas and go back inside to get our change. When Kay and I talk, it sounds like this:

“Dude, I never seen this type of chips before. It’s so cool”
“Totally. Let’s get some red bull dude.”
“Dude, we are totally fulfilling the California stereotype because we keep saying dude.”
“Dude. stop it dude.”
“Dude. you stop. I don’t think I can’t stop dude.”

and we try to stop talking. The guys behind us in line start talking as well:

“Hay, whut’s go-en un tuh-night?”

I go to the salesclerk and I ask for my change and she says:
“Ex-cuuuse may?”
and then she said something to me but I have NO idea what she just said and I just nod and smile (Like a tourist) and thank her.

We drink our red bull and it hits us HARD. We are hella wired. We call Chad and I pretty much talk his ear off at a million miles a minute. After we get off, Kay and I are looking for this song on Tyler’s cd that we absolutely love but we can’t find it. We go through EACH AND EVERY CD about 3 times. It takes us an hour before we can find that it’s a song that we just keep skipping because the very very beginning sound like hip hop. I program it where we can listen to it on repeat because being the dorks that we are, we want to memorize it.

The song goes something like this:

Hey…what the dilly yo dilly yo…what the dilly yo dilly yo dilly yo YO!

The OTHER song goes like this:

….We were riding with our top down, seat back, rollin in the cadillac, self control, knowing that tomorrow is when I yak
Top down, seat back, rolling in the cadillaaaaaac……

THEN I decide to take out the MP3 cd and decide how many songs is on this damn cd. There are 137 songs on the cd which took me an hour to go through (I’m listening to about 5 seconds of each song)

We finally make it to Atlanta and sleep in the parking lot of a Hampton Inn.

TEXAS: The Lone Star State
ALABAMA: The Natural State
GEORGIA: Aw, man, I forgot this one dude.