Posted in Nonsensical, Pandemic, Storytime

Fact Checking Hate Mail

My ex-boyfriend’s mother decided to email me a week ago. There are two things interesting about this email:

  1. She made all these assumptions without speaking more than two words to me. I always say this but I’m ok with you hating me if you actually MET me.
  2. I don’t understand the hostility.
  3. I don’t know what she thought she would accomplish with this email. That I would silently cry to sleep? Or that I would lash back, when I really don’t know anything about her nor would she even read my words. So, I decided to post on facebook. Might as well let it all hang out. Majority of my friends know that she just doesn’t like me and I’ve accepted that as my destiny.

hokey.pxxxx@ 5:43 PM (1 hour ago)to me

Needless to say, I am aware of the latest addition of the disastrous debacle relating to your job firing from [TV company]

Well. First of all, this sentence doesn’t make sense. The latest addition to my debacle? My debacle relating to my job firing? So, that means I have a debacle, which is disastrous by the way. And it’s cousins with my job firing. But there are additions to this debacle and I think they are related to my lay-off.

FACT CHECK: I, along with 700ish other people got laid off NOT fired. Fired assumes that we did our job wrong and will not get severance. I wonder if I sent this comment to the entire department (yes, myself and an ENTIRE department was laid off), if they would take this criticism well?

Spurred by my disgust and anger, I feel compelled to speak up.

This is something I saw on the Sopranos. Tony’s mom was always trying to get some ‘negative attention getting.’ When I’m disgusted and angry, I feel like vomiting. When it spurs me though, I actually vomit. But what I’m reading is….’before I vomit, I will compel myself to speak up.’

FACT CHECK: My ex and I dated for nearly 13 years. And in those 13 years, she has never felt compelled to speak up, she dumps it on my ex. Sooo…basically, she felt compelled to try to kick me while I’m down so I don’t have the energy to respond? I wasn’t sad though, I didn’t mind the lay-off. I need a break from corporate culture, so I was actually relieved. What she REALLY wanted is to be so hostile to me, so I wouldn’t think about getting back together with him OR for me to run to my ex and tattle on her so he is forced to communicate with her (I think they had a fight or something).

What I actually did is encourage him to get his own place and if he was interested in being in a relationship, I expect to be wooed by an adult man or Hugh Jackman. Whichever choice is available.

This firing came as no surprise. You have used every possible excuse, and various causes to milk [company] of their good intentions to help you. As I see it, you just wanted to stay home, sit on the couch and still get paid. That is still your objective. I predicted they would find a way to get rid of you. You were a problematic employee costing them money and leadership issues—TROUBLE with a capital T.

The person who wrote this was a music teacher in Maine. She has had the same job for decades and decades and decades. I simply cannot do that. There so many interesting mysteries and problems in the world that I want to experience. My resume and experience reflects that. I wanted to learn about post production, so I’ve pretty much done every single job in post production except run my own shop. I’ve been the post supervisor, phone support, project engineer, workflow consultant, trainer, project manager, technical advisor and subject matter expert to almost every network in the United States. She has complained to my ex that I’m merely a job-hopper who can’t keep a job. But, really, I get hired away constantly. I’m going to go where the package says ‘we acknowledge your talent, come work with us.’ In fact, I’ve received 5 job offers since I was laid off and I wasn’t even looking for a job! I actually declined all of them to work on writing for the rest of the year.

FACT CHECK: I actually tried to quit, not once, not twice but three times. My really awesome company said ‘Nope. You’re self-sabotaging, we’re going to get you help.’ I’m very lucky that this is inline with the mental health era where companies are actually starting to understand that you will make more money and better productivity if you check on your employees health from time to time. They got me help and when I returned, my was able to grow my team twice it size, finish a 90 page SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) and prepare a work at home environment. I could’ve just went to work everyday and stared at facebook and sent text messages during meetings. Instead, the investment into my mental health rewarded them with a highly engaged employee who was passionate about efficient workflows.

One can always pay for a sympathetic therapist to agree with you. It won’t help you, however.I have lost count of your job changes since [ex-boyfriend] has been with you. Guessing it might be 9. He has followed you from job to job, city to city and coast to coast all contributing to a financial calamity of expenses, over spending, unpaid bills.

The writer of this email OBVIOUSLY does not believe in healing power of psychotherapy. My only comment is, if she did have a therapist, she may have not sent this email. Maybe she could’ve called.

FACT CHECK: Dude, I have had WAY MORE than 9 jobs. My LinkedIn profile has more than 40 recommendations from all those jobs. I see it as a strength though, not weakness. Also, living in different areas of the country was pretty awesome. I think the South gets a bad rap, I think Massachusetts has the smartest and funniest people in America but they also have the most racist and elitist people too. (Side story: I had an argument with a Massachusetts bred gentlemen about baseball. I said Trevor Hoffman was a lights out pitcher, this gentlemen said the Hoff must be a terrible pitcher. I said, ‘no, lights out is you’re so good, that you turn off the lights and the game is over.’ He said ‘no, lights out means you’re terrible and the batters are hitting balls that are so high and gone, they are knocking out the light bulbs.’ I said that was a Disney movie and to google it. He refused to google. Elitist. Sigh.

I think the average time you have spent in a job is about a year and a half. Then as you stated in one of your face book rants, you get BORED and can’t imagine why you are unappreciated. BUT in your boredom, you plan another trip, another cruise, maybe cross Atlantic, or NZ, or Alaska all with money you don’t have or more specifically, what [ex-boyfriend] doesn’t have.

The average time is actually 2-3 years. I can’t help it if another company comes along with better salary or benefits. Or if that company will MOVE YOU ACROSS THE COUNTRY to one of the biggest cities in the country. I would be an idiot to not even consider the offers that come by. I don’t even know how she saw any of my facebook posts (find out later, cousin of ex-boyfriend read my posts to her over the phone. Talk about a shit stirrer. Promptly unfriended).

FACT CHECK: It’s true, I do get bored. I guess that’s a bad thing but for me, I’m just curious about EVERYTHING. I’m obsessed with perspective, experience, and different realities. I’m one of those people, when I’m on the freeway, I look at the other cars and wonder about all those peoples’ lives. What are they thinking? Where are they going? Is that guy picking his nose? But, I digress. It’s also true my ex and I went to vacations to NZ, Alaska and across the Atlantic. It is also true that my ex didn’t have any money during these trips — I did. I was bankrolling us for awhile when I was a freelancer. Sometimes I would get these 60 day jobs and I would get a big paycheck. What am I going to do with that paycheck? I’m going to effing New Zealand and check out Hobbiton. Or that cruise across the Atlantic (which drops us off at our doorstep in New York? Yes, please). I work hard, so I’m going to play hard as well.

By the way, since we are on the subject of face book, I have never read such a bunch of crap, such a bunch of shit and such a bunch of crazy ramblings. Why do you think people care??? MY analysis is that you want attention, and you want people to feel sorry for you. The feed back you are getting is misplaced because you are NOT smart or clever, except when it comes to capitalizing on the ME TOO movement.

Again, how did she read all this? I wonder how long she’s been reading this? Oh well. Yes, I may have crazy rambling and a bunch of shit, but it’s my shit that I’m sharing with my friends. If they weren’t my friends, I wouldn’t be sharing in the first place. And after a lot of these crazy post ramblings, I get a whole lot of email and texts about how much my friends care. They don’t have to do that.

FACT CHECK: Why do I think people care? Uh….because they told me and I don’t have any reason to not believe them. I didn’t ask for this white woman’s analysis but here she is, giving it to me. Anybody who is my friend knows the LAST thing I want is for people to feel sorry for me. I actually get angry if any of them did feel sorry for me. I guess I get a lot of feedback that I’m smart or clever because Hokey specifically calls out that I am NOT smart or clever.

Also, how does somebody capitalize on the Me Too movement? What am I getting paid for? Because if I was getting paid, I would started me-tooing in college, cause I got some college loans I need to pay off.

Now you’ve moved on to racism, sexism and white supremacy blaming all of them for yourlack of achievement. How convenient. Now you can sit on the couch and read books,lots of books and collect unemployment.

This is a loaded statement, coming from a teacher in Maine. I don’t say this disparagingly but how do you know if you never worked in a corporate environment where those aforementioned societal ills are present? She did say that ‘America is losing its white identity!’ Is she talking about plantations and colonization of other people? I’m not sure if that’s the kind of identity I would want hanging around.

Also, I never thought I had lacked any sort of achievement. In fact, I think I’m quite the opposite, I have a lot of achievement. I have my own apartment, a dog, I got to work at all the television places and I have great friends. That is achievement city. To go from poverty to firm middle class, that is harder than anybody shows on any television program or film.

FACT CHECK: Yes, I will read books. Lots of books! This is probably the most factual sentence in this email. But, I have never collected unemployment in my life (I didn’t even know you could do that!). I don’t think unemployment is the same as severance, so this statement is straight up incorrect.

I think money is your big motivator and since [ex] was tapped out, you were looking for another alternative which you didn’t find. My observation is that you need to BULLY, CONTROL, HELICOPTER, and have a lackey to do your bidding.

Money is a big motivator, yes. It’s not my only motivator though. I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with money since I’m paying for all the vacations and paying my own rent. My ex is the one living with relatives.

FACT CHECK: I don’t know what she’s observing since this woman has refused to meet me. If bully, control and helicoptering means that I like to have my alone time and lots of space, then yes, I guess I do all those things? But, I don’t think that’s what that means. Also, this assumes that my ex is a robot that cannot make decisions or choices about his life. If somebody was bullying, controlling and helicoptering me, I would ghost with a quickness.

[Ex] recently told me that it was an ABUSIVE relationship.

FACT CHECK: Good thing I broke up with him…. a year and a half ago!

Apparently, he’s put that aside. Unbelievable..Hopefully, he’ll do the right thing.

Versus the left thing?

FACT CHECK: This is referring to the fact that I let my ex stay at my apartment for several months due to COVID status. He did a job in NY and his relatives in CT asked for him to stay in NJ. So, I think what this says is that he’s put the abusive relationship (that I eneded) aside to voluntarily stay with me, because he asked me to? Must be those observing glasses previously mentioned.

I see you as self-indulgent, self-absorbed, lazy, and money hungry and oh, an unrealistic dreamer of a pipe dreams not grounded in reality.Chad is NOT your keeper, or your care giver or your sugar daddy. He owes you NOTHING.

These characteristics may all be true but I don’t care! I never forced anybody to like me because it’s too exhausting (laziness). I do buy myself presents and food (self-indulgent). I may have super absorbent underwear (self-absorbed) and money hungry. Hmmm. I do want to be paid my worth in talent and experience…if that’s money hungry, then I’m ready to eat.

FACT CHECK: Ex is too busy being on the road to be any of those things. I WISH he was my sugar daddy! How do I get one of those? But, tis true, he doesn’t owe me anything as well as nothing.

He was on the road to making a new life for himself, cleaning up the mess of the last 10 years until he got suckered back in. Probably lots of crocodile tears, “Woe is me”, “Now I can’t pay my rent” have come into play. Ex to the rescue again. Isn’t this deja-vue from the loss of an apt in Brooklyn? History repeats.

I have NEVER said woe is me. Is that a white people thing? My ex didn’t come to my rescue. Regarding Brooklyn. I had plans to move to Seattle and ex asked me to move in with him. Repeatedly. So, this history is in an alternate universe.

It is never going to change. You will still be a needy, manipulating, parasite.

I would hope that the son she raised would see and dump me if I was a needy, manipulating parasite. Otherwise, isn’t that just bad parenting?

Btw, let’s call a spade a spade. You don’t love ex. You are just using him to do your work and come up with the money.You’ve done your best to alienate him from his family. He chooses to go dark. He’s ashamed and embarrassed by this situation.

I don’t know how telling my ex to call his mom is alienating him. I would prefer that I heard from the person (in this case, the ex) to tell me he’s ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t know, I would be ashamed and embarrassed if my mother sent this to him. Just saying.

He needs to pack up his stuff and get out of that toxic, blood sucking environment. He has a family who cares about him and he has a home and people who love him.

And writes cruel and untrue emails without any facts. Don’t forget about that part.

You are a complete nut case, a metal and emotional mess.

Thanks! I prefer to be aluminum (because how its pronounced in the UK) but any metal will do.

Pack up and go home to Mama if you are still speaking to any of them. Criticism is a bitch, isn’t it?

I guess? If the criticism is true? Is this criticism? Or is this really asking my ex to call you?

Don’t bother to respond to this. Nothing you can say is explanatory. Don’t want to hear it.

Ok! You’re the one I had to block though after you kept emailing.

Never underestimate a mother who sees a dishonest, manipulative situation

I’m surprised took this long to do this, quite actually. No matter, I am still single!

Posted in Movies, Pop Culture

I would rather have seen ‘City of Angles’ instead

Why is Nicholas Cage attracted to Meg Ryan’s neck?

That’s not a misspelling. I would have rather seen a movie about 45, 90 and 180 degree angles than this movie.

First of all– questions:

*I get why an angel would fall in love with a person but how can person fall in love with an entity with no personality?

*Whose idea was it to use that goo goo dolls song? I used to like it and now I hate it because of this movie.

*Why are angels wearing black? Is that supposed to be a comment on the literature of angels where they are all dressed in white?

*Did Meg and Nicholas Cage consummate?

*What is up with movies/books where the couple consummates one time and then somebody dies? Is that a white people thing?

*Why are all the angels dude? No women angels?

*Why is falling from angeldom a mystery? Andre B said the guy from NYPD Blue fell and had a family and everything. How is that not news?

*Are there angels in other cities? What about towns and countries? What if you’re in a land-locked state?

Now, comments:

*Songs are way better than the movie.

*Cage is not swoon worthy in this. He gave a creepy vibe. Meg Ryan can have chemistry with a chair, but even she couldn’t fix this mess.

*I like that Meg Ryan was a smart doctor

*Why is the family at the beginning of the movie not aware about the risks of surgery? That’s a terrible hospital if they didn’t warn them or make them sign mountains of paperwork.

I don’t understand how I could be simultaneously bored and be asking all these questions simultaneously—but here we are.

Rating: John Lennon in that wife-beater song. Woof.

**Any movie where Andre Braugher is boring (not his fault, it was the essence of being an angel, I guess) is a bad movie.

Posted in Movies, Pop Culture

Happytime Murders — Movie so bad, you wish you were the one being murdered.

That was my face too when I was watching the movie

This movie is trying too hard to be ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’ with it’s mixed human + fictional puppet people (I can’t tell if these are muppets or not? I think that’s the point) and being in mystery mode. Except WFRR is a great movie and this one is a hot mess.

Let’s do a compare and contrast:

Roger Rabbit vs Blue guy

Roger is a nervous rabbit with a hot wife and is a known star in cartoons. He begs for help from Bob Hoskins.

The blue guy is a grumpy guy and has a lot of stringy white stuff spraying around in a scene that tries to play for laughs but just feels cringey and desperate. The problem — this character is two (too?) dimensional. You know nothing other than basic stats. Roger, you knew him by his clothes, his voice, his energy, what his house looks like..etc. Two dimensional characters are so general and bland (lack of details that could be communicated through verbal or non verbal cues). Not enough details, so why the fuck should care?

Bob Hoskins vs. Melissa McCarthy

Is there any contest? Although it’s not MM’s fault. This movie was badly written. Unless, she actually wrote the film (I didn’t check). Her character was two dimensional too. See: Bridesmaids and Spy. So MM can act and she’s funny. Maybe she was burnt out by the time she was doing this movie? Who knows.

Not Enough World Building — You’re telling me MM couldn’t just punch the woman puppet in the face?

Doesn’t know what it wants to be, the tone is lacking — Playing it safe…wants to be a comedy, wants to be a mystery noir, wants to be not taken seriously but taken seriously. Either go all the way in one direction (Airplane) or the other (Who Framed Roger Rabbit). WFRR had mood lighting, it had mood music, it had mood locations. Happytime….did they just run out of money? It feels like an glorified SNL sketch that fell flat.

Man, I had a lot to say about this movie!

Posted in Movies, Pop Culture

21 Bridges didn’t have enough bridges

I REALLY wanted to like this movie. I really did but it kinda sucked. Mostly because everything was super predictable and there were like 3 bridges in this movie….and they were all overhead transition shots (i.e. to cut from one scene to another scene to express the passage of time). Chadwick was great, but he’s pretty much great in everything….but I was like, DUDE, I’ve already figured this all out 20 minutes in.

I was watching this with a friend and the first thing I said was, “This is kind of like that movie, The Negotiator.” He says, “Who was the bad guy in the Negotiator?” and I said, “The old white guy who’s supposed to be like the manager type (then J.K. Simmons shows up), —yeah, that guy is the bad guy.”

Spoiler alert? It really isn’t. The partner stuff wasn’t a surprise either. Nothing was a surprise. At least surprise me with all the bridges somehow. I was expecting there were bombs at all the bridges and how were the cops going to get to all those bridges in time before they detonate? Die Hard 3 a la bridges. Alas, there was like 1 or 2 lines on bridges and that was it. Or maybe, have at least, Todd Bridges in the movie and his nickname is 21 or something. Argh.

Rating: Paul McCartney singing with the Wings.

Posted in Movies, Pop Culture

Top Gun (1986)

Incidentally, I saw no guns on the pilots — biceps or otherwise

My friend and I are slowly watching through all of Tony Scott’s movies and I was surprised to learn that he directed Top Gun! I watched Top Gun when I was a kid, but didn’t understand what the heck was going on, other than, they were really oily during that volleyball scene. How they didn’t attract all the sand and become sand men is beyond me.

So, I tried to pay attention to this movie, the plot and such and I just became obsessed with Tom Cruise’s height in all the scenes. I don’t know what brought my attention to it, I just noticed in one scene he was at Anthony Edwards eyeline and in another scene, he was around his chin. Then, I started watching all the scenes where Tom Cruise is screaming. He and some other guy are screaming…while the boss guy is still sitting on the desk. Why wouldn’t he stand up and intimidate Cruise? I called bullshit and I was distracted with the height thing for the rest of the movie.

Also, if a guy sang you you’ve lost that loving feeling in a bar AND I was his teacher? I don’t know if I could date that guy. I didn’t buy that relationship at all. This movie suffers from what I like to call ‘Zack Morris syndrome’ (see: Saved by the Bell). Basically, the dude is an asshole but gets away with his assholery because he has good teeth and hair.

This movie had the most taking-off-of-sunglasses dramatically scenes I have ever seen.

I give this: Two Beatles…from the Love Me Do song. The simplest song with high crowd factor but no substance.

Posted in Nonsensical

A plate of corn

My dinner

So, I always get teased about eating a plate of corn for a meal. I have this habit of eating for corn for lunch. It seems like a win-win! It’s counts as a vegetable in my Noom app (although, I think it’s technically a starch. It’s a starchy vegetable, right?), I can heat it in this microwaveable bag for like 3 minutes and dump it on the plate. Nothing fancy, maybe a little bit of butter and salt. And it’s healthier than some other available lunches — most notably Shake Shack burgers and fried chicken. I love fried chicken ( I have yet to find the fried chicken to rule them all. I had to take a break because I need pants to fit).

When I first got teased for it, I was living in DC I think. Sharon’s plate of corn, as they called it. But when I had different people comment on it at different jobs, I knew it was something that was probably an atypical meal.

I also have had spaghettios for breakfast and chopped roasted potatoes for dinner. I wonder if it’s a socioeconomic thing? When I was younger, I was given $5.00 a week to eat lunch. Well, when flaming hot cheetos is $1.07 (99 cents but 1.07 after tax), so I could afford 4 flaming hot cheetos for the week. Anyway, I figured out that you can have 3 top ramens for 99 cents, a can of corn for like 50 cents, spaghettios for like 65 cents. Something like that. I pretty much ate alone most of my elementary school year, 7th and 8th grade. 9th grade, I somehow made friends and gravitated from one eating group to another (that’s a different story). So, when I think cheap, easy meal…hello plate of corn!

What do you think? Am I the only person who does this?

Posted in Pop Culture, Television

Why ‘Legendary’ is literally Legendary

When I heard this was about ballroom, I was like, there’s a thing with the waltz and the cha-cha-cha? The ballroom scene was jaw dropping to me. Before I insult it, here is the wiki definition:

Ball culture, drag ball culture, the house-ballroom community, and similar terms describe a young African-American and Latin American underground LGBTQ+ subculture that originated in New York City, in which people “walk” (i.e., compete) for trophies, prizes, and glory at events known as balls.

So Legendary is a ball competition for a subculture I didn’t even know existed. The closest thing I’ve seen is probably the musical ‘Rent’ — something I saw in London, loved immediately and didn’t know if Angel was a man, woman….something in between? Didn’t matter, Angel’s voice was amazing and when his bf sings about his death, I always cry (…. sweet kisses, I’ve got to spare, I’ll be there and I’ll cover you….wooooaahhhhh). I think I looked it up later and found out he was gender-fluid.

Anyway, the first 5-10 minutes of ‘Legendary’, I spent really trying to wrap my head around if that person was a man or woman, what were their biological parts, how do they know, etc etc. It wasn’t until I got over my biological gender hang-up that I started to really enjoy the show.

What I was afraid of is what I fear for any minority culture — praising mediocre work just to get the minority into the mainstream. If we are going to shine, it really has to be our best work. Probably why it’s so threatening to whomever hold the white superiority complex, but I think great art comes from great pain, whether we like it or not. I guarantee you if you gave third world countries a million dollar budget, we would see the most amazing art the world has ever seen. But the idea that you are born lucky means that you are superior is bullshit.

Anyway, that’s a whole different post. Back to Legendary. The judges really do make the show at this point. They’re very opinionated and shared a lot of the same views when I watched a mediocre performance versus a standing ovation performance (or it seems, clapping with your fingers and/or snapping seems to be the ultimate compliment). That’s why I was never really into The Voice. It just seemed like a bunch of back up singers with great pipes but missing that sumthin’-sumthin’. For me, it just sounds like mimicry and not like you are living that song in that moment. I think that’s a key to a great performance.

Law Roach is very specific and was responsible for that amazing Zendaya with dreads number (when I started paying attention to her, quite frankly) and realized he was an envelope pusher for a lot of great styles I’ve seen on those entertainment channels. The thing I like most about him is that his fashion choices always make you think….about gender, beauty, dynamics and class. Meghan Thee Stallion and Jamila Jamel I think represents the audience at large and the best of them all — Leiomy Maldanaldo — is the ultimate overall critic. She is one of the most beautiful people I have seen and she doesn’t perform until the LAST EPISODE and you’re like….holy shit, the expert is showing us how it’s done. I love that shit. Also, her outfits are like the most amazing! I wish I could wear that to work everyday. I wonder if I could pull that off. Hmmmm….

First of all — the judges are critical but encouraging. They’ll say why whatever sucked and how to fix it for their next performance. Second of all — it feels like the first competition where there really is no extreme advantage with your gender nor race. Third of all — being surrounded by people who are accepting of every shape, size, gender ID…etc…is so inspiring. It’s how I feel the arts should really be like instead of the same vanilla straight guy narrative we’ve been choking down the past 100 years or so.

Anyway — if you want to see some groundbreaking, amazing (reality!) television, check out Legendary.

Rating: Doritos type binge watching. (I think Doritos is the most addicting chip, which is why I never eat it).

Posted in Movies, Pop Culture

Scariest Movies ever

  1. Event Horizon — I couldn’t even sleep with the lights on.
  2. Thriller by Michael Jackson — I haven’t been able to watch werewolves movies since. I ALWAYS watch it behind my fingers.
  3. The Babadook. It’s so good that I want to watch it again but too scared to do it.
  4. Pumpkinhead — Lance Reddick doing Pet Sematary shit with his son. NO THANK YOU SIR!
  5. Blair Witch Trial — children looking down in corners creep me out.

Movies that tried to be Scary

  • Children of the Corn 3 — first scene…two teenagers are making out in a corn field and then the girl says…hold on a sec, something is poking my back…..AHHHHHH! It’s a severed hand! CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3 TITLE CARD.
  • Poltergeist 1 or 3 — whichever movie that has the boyfriend of the older sister…there’s a scene where he falls in a puddle in the garage and when they pull him out, they ask where the baddies are and he says…in the garage…IN THE GARAGE….IN THE GARAGE!!!! *sobs*
  • Birdemic — Was this supposed to be scary or funny? Like, go all the way in a specific direction.
  • Everything after the original Scream. The original Scream was awesome for it’s meta-examination of scary movie tropes….then becomes a parody of itself. Should’ve just stuck to the first one Wes Craven (I have a feeling this is some studio exec’s decision though).

Posted in Categorize Me!, NYU, SDSU, Storytime

My First Roommate..part 1

How I imagined my first college roommate would be. DUMB.

1999. I had just gotten accepted at NYU Tisch and was in disbelief that my music video with the ejaculating fish had passed the admissions test. Or maybe it was my scene where I had my friend Randy breaking up with Drew Barrymore. Either way, I would finally move out of my parents house in San Diego and move to New York…I can FINALLY have a roommate.

I had this fantasy of becoming BFFs with my new roommate and it’s something like ‘A Different World’ … where everyone is funny and gets along.


I was assigned the 21st floor of a 26th Street Apartment in the Lower East Side. The fact that a) I had an email and b) I could say something like ‘the Lower East Side’ and actually know what I’m talking about made me feel ultra cool. I had started some preliminary emails with my new roommate. I think her name was Crystal. I had imagined this skinny, goofy blonde girl….maybe with freckles, hopefully with glasses or braces. Maybe she’ll be a popular girl type and will give me one of those Rachel in the ‘She’s All That’ movie where I am magically hot with the proper haircut, makeup and outfits. Maybe she would teach me to how to bring the boys to the yard because no boys knew I had any yards in the first place. All the positive stories I had written in my mind. She said she would bring the microwave and I would bring the….radio? I forget.

After flying across country with one suitcase full of as much of my stuff I could bring with me (my parents didn’t approve of me going to film school, so I pretty much had to do everything myself), I dragged my ass to the Super Shuttle, listened to my discman for 3 hours until I was dropped off to my new dorm, waited 4 elevator trips until I got to my room (there was weirdly 2 elevators for 28 floors. Like, WHAT?) and found my tiny apartment. I open the door. It’s a 600 sq foot apartment for 4 females. I was the second to arrive. I open the door with my name taped on it and see that Crystal had already gotten settled. She had claimed the bottom bunk (we had bunk beds…which incidentally, I was excited about because — roommate fantasy of pillow fights and gossip) and therefore, I had the top bunk bed. She had placed the television in the middle of our dormitory desks (provided by the university. Thanks, cause I got NOTHING) and her clothes was hung in half of the closet. I didn’t even have hangers, so it didn’t matter.

Crystal came home and she was NOTHING like I imagined. She was dressed like a gangster — big shirt, baggy corduory jeans, Adidas sneakers, blonde curly hair that went down her back, super pale with dark eyeliner that seemed to be traced around her eyes multiple times. Her voice was low.

“Hi, I’m your new roommate”

“Hi. My parents already came and moved everything. When are your parents coming?”

“Oh. They’re not…here. They’re in California. I just have this suitcase” and point to a battered old grandma looking suitcase that wanted to be put out to pasture to die with the other old suitcases.

Uncomfortable silence. Uh-oh. The smiles and laughter of my fictitious imaginary sleepover party was vanishing away. I didn’t realize that I might have somebody who had the personality of a tree stump. Only to find, that our time together will get worse.

To be continued…

Posted in Books, Movies, Pop Culture

The Martian — book vs. movie

I saw the movie first and read the book second. Here are some questions I THOUGHT the book would answer:

  • Does Kristen Wiig have a bigger backstory in the book? — Nope.
  • Does Childish Gambino have a bigger backstory in the book? — Nope. He also pops up and disappears in the movie, just like he does in the book.
  • Does Matt Damon really talk that much science in the book? — He does and it drones on and on and I’m like, get to the action already! I’m not an astronaut.
  • How about the ending? He doesn’t end up at a school. I actually don’t quite remember what happens in the book. I think…they all just return home and the captain likes disco….the end.
  • I expected more ABBA. Disappointed on both fronts in the movie and in the book.
  • Do we think Matt Damon lost all that weight? Or RDJ – Avengers – Endgame CGI?
  • Some award should be awarded to Matt Damon pulling out that metal thing and auto-stitching himself. I never quite believed it in Terminator 2.

Overall, the movie has high replay value. I don’t expect to read the book again because Ridley (we’re pals, Ridley and I) did a pretty good job covering the tone and the characters. The secondaries were wasted (except for Gambino’s trip…I was like…was that on purpose?) but the captain, the crew and Matt Damon are all loveable.

Ranking / Rating — (I haven’t figured this out yet, so I’m going to make it up along the way) Three out of Four Beatles.